I just want it to be Monday so that I can say my birthday weekend is over considering that I am crying about how I didn’t get to do what I wanted over this weekend with the people that matter most sucks. I really wish their were other ways to describe my birthday besides: lonely, useless, pointless, sad, depressing, and pathetic. Guess I should have done more to make this weekend awesome. Only person I have to blame is myself, considering I think I was the only person that cared about my birthday..whatever so over this weekend, crying in my room by myself is probably the best thing I have done this weekend
It seems like absolutely everything I do is destined for failure. It fucking sucks when I have to wake up in the morning questioning myself if I chose the right major, why my friends hate me, and why I try so hard just to set myself up to lose. I am at a complete and total loss and have no idea what to do right now. It seems like no matter what I do, or how hard I study, or how dedicated I am to fixing friendships, and even keeping my head above water to try and survive, it all comes back to bite me in the end. I thought that this semester was going to be one of the best yet, and I couldn’t have been farther from the truth. I honestly just want to be happy and enjoy my time away at college, but it seems kind of hard to do when at the end of the day, all of this effort I put into everything, end up being worthless. Over winter break I thought about who I really was as a person, and ended up being someone I didn’t even know. I came back to school for the spring semester with the thought of completely changing my view on life and how I see people and bringing forth a more positive attitude when things get tough; but apparently to my teachers, my aunt and uncle, as well as friends, this isn’t enough. I honestly just want to get good grades in school and have friends that would actually appreciate me. I don’t know why I am being drilled so hard by everything in my life right now, but if God wants to see me unhappy, well you have it, you got what you wanted. I am so close to giving up. Waking up in the morning is a daily struggle rather than a routine, and the only thing I want to know now, is IF and WHEN this will all get better. I just want all these feelings I have to go away, I really wouldn’t mind going through life being a zombie and numb to all this torture going on around me. But I know that won’t work if I want to become a nurse one day and I sure as hell know that’s not what my mother would have wanted. It really sucks when at this current moment and time I am sitting here on my bed crying and all I want to do is hug my mom and have her tell me that everything is going to get better, but that’s so hard to believe when not a single person gives a shit about you. I guess that’s what I deserve for being such a fucking shitty person.
I just stumbled upon a quote that caught my attention “A victory is sweeter when the battle is more perilous.” I couldn’t help but to think that this had to relate to my nursing at school. It has been such a roller coaster and I can’t help but think that I ran across this quote because it was intended to motivate me. It reminds me that the more of an up and down rollercoaster that these 4 years of college have and will be, will be nothing but worth it at the end of the day when I pass my NCLEX. I have never been so excited to push myself to a whole ‘nother level when I get back from spring break